TICKETS, PLEASE!
"He said. She said."
She said: Autumn's crisp air, the leaves crackling under my feet and the smell of pumpkin pie baking always bring back the memory of our first outing to the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra.
I had wanted season tickets for years, but at the beginning of our marriage I didn't make that explicitly clear to Dennis. I didn't think I should have to!
Dennis didn't care about the Symphony. I knew that. But as a young and immature woman, I selfishly thought that if he really loved me he would know how much I wanted season tickets and would purchase them for me...um, I mean us. Obviously, at the time I did not have a full grasp on our supernatural mission of getting each other to heaven.
Growing up, our family would listen to classical music, visit museums, and–because my Dad was an athlete, coach, and official–we'd go to an occasional sporting event. My love of the Arts and the Faith was fostered at an early age–especially music, which touches the soul in a distinct way.
I always feel at peace and relaxed listening to classical music–especially Bach or Mozart. The waves of melody uplift my soul, creating a peace I would never find in the cacophony of noise and busyness of the world.
In college, my friends and I would go to the theater and museums, and we'd also attend athletic events. At the time, I felt that my leisure time was well rounded. Then I met and fell in love with Dennis. The sports fanatic.
He said: Through the grace of God, I'm now a Catholic. But I wasn't fortunate enough to grow up that way. Religion was an afterthought in our home–if a thought at all. Sports and recreation were our idols. I whiled away many autumn Sundays engrossed in the NFL. My 'liturgical year' revolved around the NFL, NBA, March Madness, the World Series, etc. No museums. No theater. Any musical or "arts" exposure was strictly pop culture. In fact, about the only exposure I had to classical music was the Looney Tunes production of The Marriage of Figaro starring Bugs Bunny and Elmer Fudd. To say that I was secularly and inwardly focused would be an understatement.
She said: Because I loved Dennis so much and wanted for him to be happy, I put my needs on the back burner. I focused all my energy on making him happy and I thought he would do the same! But I didn't realize one important fact: women have the God-given gift of intuition. Men do not.
Reality check: God gave many gifts to men, but intuition wasn't one of them. If a man wants or needs something, he will ask for it.
She said: Using himself as a point of reference, Dennis assumed that if I didn't ask for help he must be fulfilling all of my needs. While I was anticipating his needs and trying to fill them, I assumed he was doing the same. He wasn't.
I was annoyed. I did things for him with the expectation of receiving things in return. I sure wasn't taking the opportunity to grow in charity.
During those first years of marriage, my resentment built. I'm embarrassed to admit this now, but I used to "test" Dennis's love by purposefully not asking for things I wanted...or needed.
Childish, I know.
I remember one weekend in December when I returned from grocery shopping and saw my beloved engrossed in a football game. I was already annoyed that he hadn't gone to the supermarket with me.
"I bought a bit more at the store than I intended!" I hinted. "The trunk is full!"
"Ummm...." he replied, absorbed in a fourth-and-goal play.
Fumbling my bags noisily, I tried again. "Must be 20 bags out there..."
This time he didn't even reply.
Aggravated, I flumped the bags down on the counter and stormed between him and the television set back out to the car. His eyes never left the screen. By the time I came in with a second load, a commercial was on. Exasperated, I pleaded, "Can you please help me unload the car?"
When I finally asked for his help and support, it wasn't a request. It was a demand. Guess what? Men don't respond well to demands. Frankly, who does?
If I had been upfront and asked in a straightforward manner, he probably would have said, "Sure! But this is an important play. I'll get it all for you on the next commercial." But because of my oblique references, that never happened.
Looking back at our early marriage, it's amusing and unfortunate how many times I wasn't frank. But in my defense, being 'blunt' isn't innate for most women–we need to learn it!
After a while, I was tired of sports and longed for a trip to a museum. A night at the Symphony. Some Shakespeare in the Park.
I hinted around it. I alluded to it. I left Fort Worth Symphony brochures on the table. Nothing.
Finally, I realized my strategy wasn't working. I called Bass Hall and got two tickets to the Fort Worth Symphony Orchestra. "If Dennis doesn't want to go," I fumed, "I'll take a girlfriend!"
After a bit of cajoling on my part and grumbling on his, Dennis finally agreed to go to the Symphony with me.
He said: Ah, the symphony! At the time I would rather have faced down a grizzly bear than spend time (and money) on symphony tickets. I had nothing against classical music; it just wasn't high on my priority list. Actually, it wasn't even on the list. But fortunately, spending time with my wife was a high priority.
I'm no fool. I say this not because of the wayward but all-too-popular thinking that goes as follows: "Better do what your wife tells you or she'll make it miserable for you." No, I simply enjoy my wife's company. I do even more now as we've grown through the years. But, oh that Symphony–where's the grizzly?! Growing up, my idea of fun revolved around sports and recreation. I would feel ridiculously out of place at a Symphony.
I finally relented. We got tickets (actually Colleen did) and onward we went to the very impressive Bass Hall in beautiful Fort Worth. It is quite a place, and I must admit that the Symphony was not anywhere near the ordeal that a bear would be. Over time it actually grew on me and has become for us a welcomed, even cherished evening out together.
After the initial expedition to the Symphony, the ride home revealed a somewhat subdued wife. "What's wrong?" I asked.
"Oh, nothing," she sighed.
Hmmm. Millions of men have heard that sigh and "nothing." Translation: it is something. Now, how to find out what that something really is.
After some small talk and a bit of coaxing, she told me that it hurt that she had to be the one to get tickets, and it felt like I was just tagging along. I was simply going because she had worn me down. It would have all been perfect if it had been my idea, and if I'd taken the initiative to purchase the tickets and arrange the evening.
Huh?
Head scratching ensued. Mine, of course, as she knew exactly what she meant. Her feelings were that if I loved her and understood her, I could and should anticipate her needs and take the initiative.
She said: No real woman wants a puppy dog for a husband. She'll never be able to respect him! We want a virtuous man to be in charge without being an ogre.
Growing up, all I heard was the false mantra, "I am woman, hear me roar!" I was encouraged to go into battle and conquer the world. For many years, I did just that.
But deep in my soul, I wasn't fulfilled by conquering the work world. I had grasped the 'brass ring' and it wore me out. I was weary of being the supervisor and longed for a virtuous man to lead me! I think even Gloria Steinem longs for a man she can admire, trust, and, yes, even follow.
So when Dennis agreed to go to the Symphony with me I thought, "So what?" I was resentful that it had to be my idea. It was almost as if to say, "If it's my idea and you go with me, your participation doesn't count as a loving act."
I desired an evening at the Symphony for years. But what did I do that night? Full of pride, I sulked. I moped. I pouted.
The weather wasn't the only thing chilly that evening. On the drive home, I was staring out the window at the barren trees, feeling empty and sorry for myself when Dennis gently wheedled out of me the reason for my sulking. When I poured out my frustration, he was stunned.
Even though he thought it was "good enough" to come with me, I was dissatisfied because he didn't come up with the idea first. I wasn't asking for clairvoyance. I just wanted him to give some forethought, support, and attention to the activities that I enjoy. I didn't think I was asking too much. After all, I reasoned, my girlfriends are all that way...
He said: WHOA!! I am usually not ultra tuned-in to the needs of others. And most of the men I know are not, either. We as a collective have to be asked to do things, and then we jump in full force. But help without being asked? Anticipate someone else's needs? Now we're in foreign territory!
The good news is that masculinity isn't mutually exclusive with anticipating the needs of others. Countless saints have proven this over the ages. The difficulty of this particular foreign territory is that as men we typically ask when we need something. Women in general will anticipate and offer their help.
"But I didn't ask for your help," is a thought that often went through my mind when Colleen offered to lend a hand with something. I found it intrusive. And if she didn't ask me for something, then she obviously didn't want for anything, right? But I could not escape the idea that I should be able to better anticipate and be more attentive to my beloved, not to mention others.
I asked for her to be more open and specific about asking for what she needed and, in turn, I would work harder at being more selfless and focused on her and others. I can tell you, it isn't easy for me. All too often I fall into the "Don't Ask" trap. If she's not asking, then there's nothing wrong or needed.
She said: Our warm and candid conversation on the ride home that evening put our marriage on the right track. We were finally starting to grow in virtue. I strove to be straightforward about my needs and feelings with him, and Dennis endeavored to be more perceptive to my needs and to lend a hand without waiting to be asked. But there was more work to be done.
Fighting Original Sin is a lifetime struggle! And that's really what we're up against. It's not Dennis and I fighting each other. It's our individual fight against the world, the flesh, and the devil.
He said: The tendency toward complacency and the temptation to coast in our spiritual lives (and in our marriage) is always present. It is critical for us to stay in tune with each other. Fighting out of the trap and staying out of it is, interestingly enough, tightly linked with living a sacramental life and frequent prayer. Amazing, eh? And that old cliché of "communication is the key to a successful marriage" is a cliché for a reason. It may be overly familiar, even hackneyed, but it's correct.
My grandmother told me more than once, "Dennis, God gave you two ears and one mouth. Use them in that proportion!"
True communication, whether with my spouse, children, parents, siblings, or colleagues at the office, is all about listening. Hearing is one thing. Listening is completely another. You can tell what people say by hearing, but you can only tell the underlying meaning by listening.
I've learned to focus intently on Colleen without distractions. If she wants to talk, I'll make sure there won't be any disruptions, and I'll put down anything that I'm reading and give her eye contact. Usually, we try to make time when the kids are in bed, or we'll go for a walk together. And we make an effort to do it every day so it's a habit, and not something that is turned on or off once or twice a month like a lawn mower.
For me, I didn't really understand how to read and anticipate Colleen's (or others') needs and wishes until I learned to listen without distraction. Putting away distractions, whether material or mental, can be a challenge in our busy lives. But invariably, giving someone my undivided attention is a benefit for both of us. Growing closer to my wife so I can help her get to heaven should be at the top of my list!
So that's the ears; now for the mouth.
Many times the listener, when they hear (or is it fear?) silence, immediately jumps in with the solution. Or what they feel is the solution. This seems especially true for us men. We want to be 'Mr. Fix It' or ride in on the charger and save the day. Colleen will sometimes say to me, "I need to vent, and I don't need you to solve the problem!"
Hmmm, could it be that I jumped to a hasty "solution" a time or two? Or three?
I've learned to listen and ask leading and thought provoking questions. It takes practice–more practice than perfecting a jump shot or hitting a nine-iron. It's also a lot more rewarding.
I'll ask, "How did that make you feel?" or "Tell me about that specifically..." or "What happened then?" because that's what she needs.
Talking things out for Colleen is the answer–or even the solution in many cases. And I know that by attentive listening and engaging with good questions, our communication is a positive lever for spiritual growth for both of us.
On the flip side, there are times when the last thing I want or need is questioning. After a full work day and commute–especially a challenging one–the one question I dreaded, almost feared was "How was your day"? I can feel the chill down my spine just writing it!
She said: After a day of diapers and baby-talk, I was ready to pop like a jack-in-the-box. By the time Dennis came home, I needed adult conversation. What a relief when he walked through the door and I could ask him about his day.
Oops!
I learned to be considerate of Dennis's needs. Most days, he preferred to enter his castle, kiss everyone hello, and then to be left alone for a bit to change clothes, wind down, and refocus. Most days, it took less time for him to decompress than it did for rice to cook. However, sometimes he needed a full evening to hole up and recuperate. Either way, by the evening Rosary he was usually back up to speed.
Understanding that the devil can work through our imagination and our emotions, I've learned to prevent my passions from taking me for a ride. I no longer imagine what might have gone wrong during his day that caused him to be so withdrawn. Knowing that God gave women the gift of intuition, I've learned to distinguish between my hunches and my passions run amok. And Dennis has learned to respect my intuition.
He said: To get honesty in discussions with Colleen, I had to put into practice something I learned at a marriage retreat many years ago: Don't dismiss Colleen's emotions. Don't be insensitive to her feelings and intuition. Feelings are neither right nor wrong...they just are!
The lines of marital communication and trust will break down at breakneck speed the moment that I dismiss Colleen's feelings with a careless comment like, "Ahhh, you shouldn't feel like that," or "Come on, that is silly!" Hint: don't try this at home! God created women more in tune with the emotional life, as it comes in handy raising children.
As men in Western culture, we have long been taught to fight through, don't give in to, or even to dismiss our emotions. Who doesn't remember as a kid getting hurt and hearing, "Big boys don't cry!" or "Walk it off!" That thought carries with us.
Yet society encourages women, for the most part, to go with their feelings. They are not taught to moderate their emotions, but instead to nurture and understand them. Maybe it heightens awareness of others' needs and hones "woman's intuition." But without moderating these emotions, the devil can move in and have a field day.
As men, that's where we come in. We shouldn't be afraid of "feelings." Don't misunderstand. I am not walking around as a blubbering, giddy, heart-on-the sleeve, gooey stew of emotions. But I do try to be honest with myself about them. Prudence and moderation must carry the day! In turn, she has learned to assess and temper her sentiments.
Helping each other grow in virtue has put a new vitality into our marriage. Instead of doing something with the hope of "getting something in return." we are learning to walk in each other's shoes. We are growing in charity, unselfishness, and patience.
She said: As a Catholic woman, I endeavor to create a virtuous Catholic home–and to be the heart of that home. Dennis leads the family by example in our religious life, not just his words.
As we headed to the Symphony this month, the crisp air reminded me that God can work through something as simple as two tickets to the Symphony to rechart the entire course of a marriage...and a family. Deo gratias!
Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Hammond are the parents of four children, the eldest just having entered high school. Dennis is a freelance writer, part-time public speaker, and works in Executive Marketing for IBM. Colleen is the author of the best-selling book Dressing with Dignity. A former On-Camera Meteorologist for The Weather Channel, model, actress, and Miss Michigan National Teenager, Colleen abandoned her career in television to become a stay-at-home mother (www.ColleenHammond.com). The family lives on ten acres outside Fort Worth, Texas, and assists at the Latin Mass.
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