January 2000 Print

TITLE: I KISSED DATING GOODBYE (135 PP.)

AUTHOR: Joshua Harris

PUBLISHER: Multnomah Books ($10.99)

REVIEWER: Rev. Fr. Christopher Brandler

SUMMARY: Harris isn't Catholic, but his principles are. Fr. Brandler uses Harris's book to discuss today's cultural "dating shame," the principles of true courtship, the pitfalls of shallow relationships and how to avoid them, and how Catholics can best prepare themselves if they are sure the sacrament of matrimony is for them. Save your child and his peers tons of sin, bad habits, and heartache.

Today's young adults find themselves caught in countless dilemmas: either act like a jerk, OR be unpopular; either talk back to your parents, OR be treated like a slave; either watch TV and listen to rock music, OR be out of touch with the teenage world. Naturally, the deck is stacked. The devil has teenagers thinking: Either indulge in sin, OR be miserable the rest of your life. The dice are loaded. The solution to these false dilemmas is a complete restatement and rearrangement of ideas according to the Christian standpoint:

Either act intelligently and responsibly, OR hang around friends who are a bad influence on you. (Conclusion: Don't worry about being "popular.")

Either respect and obey your parents, OR be a lifelong slave to your lower passions. (Conclusion: Obedience to God's laws is mastery, not slavery.)

Either stay away from TV and rock music, OR lose your ability to think for yourself. (Conclusion: Help put teenagers back in touch with creativity and healthy enjoyments.)

How heavy and tedious is the process of unstacking the deck and unloading the dice in the above cases, any one of which would require a book in itself. But how much harder, in [what is left of] the minds of today's teenagers, is the task of escaping the following dilemma: Either go steady and start dating [which is your constitutional right as a teenager], OR be ostracized by your peer group as weird, abnormal, or anti-social.

As in the above examples, we obtain the solution by unscrambling the mental confusion: Either treat members of the opposite sex with due consideration and self-restraint, OR condemn yourself to the prolonged heartache of failed marriages and broken homes.

Such is the thesis of Joshua Harris's book I Kissed Dating Goodbye (Multnomah Publishers: Sisters, Oregon, 1997) We hope that this cursory review of Harris's book will prove beneficial to our readers. How many young adults have said: "Why wasn't a book like that written when I was in high school? Why do so few teenagers have the backbone to stand up and refuse to jump on the bandwagon?"

Well, dear reader, the book HAS been written. Have you read it yet? And as a teenager, would you honestly have taken the trouble to read it, especially if your parents had recommended it to you? Have you shared the book with someone who desperately needs it?

If you are a teenager, then, dear teenager, don't worry about what your peers are doing or not doing. You need to start with yourself: Have the character and the conviction to stand up for teenage purity! And if you are parents, then, dear parents, don't act like jerks; don't let your children talk back to you; don't let your authority be cut down by TV and rock music. Yes, parents, you still have a chance. Fulfill your religious duties. Let your example inspire your teenage children. Let your self-sacrifice capture their hearts. Be their faithful advisors and counselors. Sounds idealistic? Then let's see what Joshua Harris's book can offer us. We present our book review in four parts: (1) Setting the scene: How is dating done today? (2) Christian principles on dating. (3) Pitfalls and how to avoid them. (4) What should you do instead?

We provide page numbers from the book as a help to the reader.

Setting the scene: How is dating done today?

The laws of morality have been replaced with "free love," to which dating is a stepping stone. Not everyone might advocate "free love," especially Christians wishing to appear "decent and respectable," but hardly any teenagers question the right to date, as long as "we love each other." So how is dating practiced today? Harris draws from his own experience.

One gets a "crush" on someone. One plays the game of love. One experiments with relationships, especially the physical side. One goes out with and breaks up with partners at an alarming rate. One follows the norms set by TV and movies. One keeps up with the latest gossip: Who is going out with whom? Who has broken up with whom? The greatest fear is being "dumped." One prefers to do the dumping and beat the other person to the punch (pp. 18-19).

Harris translates the teenage "I love you" into more honest language: "...Selfishness and insincerity motivated me. I was primarily interested in what I could get, such as the popularity a girlfriend could give me or the comfort and pleasure I could gain physically and emotionally from a relationship" (p. 22).

What are the consequences of this false love? Harris answers: "Did I find fulfillment? No, I only found compromise and heartache. I not only hurt others, I hurt myself, and most seriously, I sinned against God" (p. 24).

One of Harris's friends told how he was once seduced: "When she looked at me with those big brown eyes like I was depriving her of something, I caved in" (p.25).

Another one of Harris's friends watched a video at his girlfriend's house. They were alone. It went from tickling to wrestling to kissing (p. 35). "But we didn't mean to do it! We didn't think this would happen!" Of course not. It was like drinking and getting behind the wheel. They were asking for trouble.

The objective in teenage dating is: "I don't care about you. Meet my needs" (p.62). Or, as the late Kurt Cobain put it: "Here we are; now entertain us" (p. 131).

Harris draws from another friend's experience to show how dating is the art of using and manipulating one's neighbor:

Jeff went out with Gloria because she was pretty, other guys liked her, and she satisfied him sexually. His criteria for pursuing a relationship with her compares to his criteria for choosing a pair of jeans—makes me feel good, makes me look good. Gloria wasn't much better. She liked Jeff because he was a "prize"—he was good-looking and athletic, and he owned a nice car (p. 66).

Harris goes on to show how youngsters can (and do) violate all ten of God's commandments in the name of love:

They often used "being in love" as an excuse for disobeying God....They ended up lying to their parents and violating each other's purity, all in the name of love. When the feelings ended, so did the relationship (p. 67).

Harris sums up the teenager's justification for dating:

Our culture has programmed us to think that singleness grants us license to fool around, to try out people emotionally and sexually. Since we're not married to anyone in particular, we can do what we want with anyone in general (p. 94).

Thus, our culture says that only married couples are restricted in their pleasures, therefore the unmarried can enjoy pleasures freely, since they are not pledged to anyone. Wrong! says God. Sex is reserved for marriage. This is the basic principle that determines who can date and how they should date, which leads us to the second part of our book review.

Christian principles on dating

Surely Harris does not mean to suggest that non-Christians are exempt from these principles. God made certain laws governing the relations between the sexes, and He expects all men and women to obey them. In other words, we are dealing here with questions of natural law. However, as Harris is writing for a Christian audience, he insists on these issues from a biblical perspective, leaving discussions of natural law to other authors, or for another occasion.

The basic moral principle behind dating is:

If another person's body doesn't belong to us (that is, we're not married), what right do we have to treat the people we date any differently than a married person would treat someone who wasn't his or her spouse?...[T]he sacredness of sexuality between husband and wife starts now, not just after the wedding day (p. 94).

Or, putting it another way:

I have no business asking for a girl's heart and affections if I'm not ready to back up my request with a life-long commitment (p. 23).

Therefore, only those mature enough to marry are morally authorized to date. Furthermore, dating (or more appropriately, courtship) is meant as preparation for marriage, and has no meaning apart from that purpose and goal.

Harris then gives seven reasons against dating as it is done today among teenagers, that is, regardless of maturity and with no view towards marriage (pp. 32-42). Here are two of them:

(1) Dating leads to intimacy but not necessarily to commitment....Dating is a product of our entertainment-driven, "disposable everything" American culture....Intimacy without commitment awakens desires—emotional and physical—that neither person can justly meet....[T]he Bible calls this "defrauding," ripping someone off by raising expectations but not delivering on the promise. (pp. 32-34)

Otherwise expressed, dating begins quickly with "Hello, short-term thrill," and ends abruptly with "Goodbye, stranger." When one is bored, one can throw one's partner away and get a shinier, brand new product. One can graze on greener pastures.

(2) Dating creates an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character....On a date, a person can charm his or her way into a date's heart. He drives a nice car and pays for everything; she looks great. But who cares? Being fun on a date doesn't say anything about a person's character or ability to be a good husband or wife...[Youngsters] need a strong dose of objective reality! They need to see each other in the real-life settings of family and friends. They need to watch each other serving and working. How does he interact with the people who know him best? How does she react when things don't go perfectly? (pp. 41-42)

Harris then hits his Christian readers with a slap in the face: Today's dating runs contrary to Christ's definition of love:

Christ taught us that love is not for the fulfillment of self but for the good of others and the glory of God. True love is selfless. It gives; it sacrifices; it dies to its own needs....Christ also showed that true love is not measured or governed by feeling....He did not say "If you love me, you will feel warm, cascading sensations of religious emotion." Instead He told us, "If you love me, you will obey what I command."...Good feelings are nice but not necessary. (p. 65)

The frightening condemnation follows: Dating in today's culture is directly responsible for countless broken homes. A pattern developed in adolescence easily continues into adulthood (into adultery?).

Harris states: "I believe that this trend [of broken homes] will only increase as each generation begins to practice short-term love in dating relationships earlier and earlier. It seems that dating as we have come to know it doesn't really prepare us for marriage; instead it can be a training ground for divorce" (p. 69).

Harris concludes by delineating responsibilities for young men and young women. For young men, he warns that they should control their lusts and desires, as the following example shows:

Matt controlled his desire to flirt with Julie. He passed up opportunities to spend time alone with her, and when they were in group settings he refrained from singling her out and focusing too much attention on her. He avoided doing anything that would make it harder for Julie to focus on serving God. (p. 98)

For young women, he warns against immodesty in dress:

Please be aware of how easily your actions and glances can stir up lust in a guy's mind....I would be blessed if girls considered more than fashion when shopping for clothes. Yes, guys are responsible for maintaining self-control, but you can help by refusing to wear clothing designed to attract attention to your body. I know the world tells you that if you have a nice body, you should show it off. And we men have only helped feed this mentality. But I think you can play a part in reversing this trend....It's time to start seeing other people's purity as our responsibility. (p. 99)

Once the Christian principles are clearly stated and grasped, one must not neglect to show how to apply these principles in contemporary society. This leads us to the next section.

Pitfalls and how to avoid them

Harris does not fail to point out and warn against common pitfalls in the world of teenage dating. Forewarned is forearmed.

The first and most dangerous pitfall is thinking that God is out to get you, that serving God will make you miserable. Harris admits it: "...I have a nagging fear that [God] wants to keep me single forever. Or I fear that if He lets me marry, He'll match me up with some girl to whom I won't feel attracted" (p. 79). The solution is simple: Have an unbounded trust in God. Be convinced that serving Him brings the only genuine happiness and fulfillment.

The key to dating is putting God into the picture. Once that is done (and our culture does not give much encouragement), the rest will follow. Harris cites a number of frequent situations which can easily be avoided with sufficient guidance, reflection, and prayer.

A common pitfall occurs when one has broken up and then wants to get back together, repeating past mistakes. Here is one example:

Danny, an eighteen-year-old, knew that he could fix the problems in his relationship with Trisha by doing only one thing: ending the relationship....Neither was ready to get married, and deep down Danny didn't believe he and Trisha were right for each other anyway. Continuing the relationship with Trisha would only mislead her....[Harris's advice:] When you end a relationship...first, really end it. Don't leave any strings attached or hint at the possibility of reuniting someday....In Danny's case, he felt tempted to call Trisha after their breakup "just to chat" or to ask her to go out "just for old times' sake." But so doing would only reawaken old feelings and open old wounds. (pp. 113-114)

Harris continues with more advice on sincerity in breakups:

When Jonathan broke up with Kara, he didn't try to point out how she shared the blame for problems in their relationship. "That wouldn't have been apologizing," he said.... [Harris's advice:] If you've wronged that person, confess your guilt and ask for forgiveness. Don't rationalize or make excuses. (p. 114)

Another pitfall is not setting restrictions when dating. Protective boundaries are a must:

Think through some of the situations that might arise. What do you do when someone feels attracted to you or vice versa? How much time should you spend on the phone with someone of the opposite sex? How much time should you spend together, even in group settings? [One sure boundary:] I will not go to a girl's home if no one else is there. If a girl calls me, invites me to come over, and mentions in passing that her parents aren't home, I don't have to weigh the situation or pray about it—I already know that I won't accept the invitation. (p. 117)

Another pitfall is "just be friends." Harris explains:

I thought friendship with a girl meant you didn't kiss her or officially date. I had a lot to learn....I met Chelsea the summer before my senior year in high school....Unfortunately, my desire for "just friendship" wasn't as strong as my old habits of edging toward romance with girls....I asked her out to lunch....This little date was Mistake Number One. In my opinion, going out to lunch isn't a big deal, but in this case it signaled my special interest in Chelsea, placed us in a romantically charged setting, and made us feel like a couple....I wanted the excitement of romance and the comfort of being liked....[I asked Chelsea] could we please keep in touch through the mail? She agreed. This was Mistake Number Two...Chelsea and I did more than keep in touch. The relationship not only cost a small fortune in postage, it bordered on obsession. When I wasn't writing to Chelsea or poring over the letters she had written me, I was thinking and talking about her. (pp.124-126)

Later on in the book, Harris will give practical tips on what to do and what to avoid during the growth of a friendship:

While your friendship progresses, avoid saying and doing things that express romantic love. The context of a deepening friendship is not the time to talk about your possible future together....Don't take things into your own hands by flirting or dropping hints about your romantic feelings. And don't encourage your friends to talk about you or to treat you as a couple. When your friends do this, simply invite others to join you in your activities so you can keep from being paired off. (p. 209)

Another pitfall is isolating oneself without the protection of chaperones or group settings. The English word "chaperone" comes from the French word for head covering. Thus isolated dating requires protection against temptation, just as one needs a head covering to guard against rain, cold, and wind. A dating couple will behave better if a third party is present, and yet, even here, we may distinguish, as Harris does:

...including others doesn't mean finding a token chaperone so you can go on a date. I know more than one couple who brings along a younger brother or sister when they go out so they can call their date a group activity....I once had friends invite me to do something with them only to find they had invited me because they needed an extra person to complete a social unit. Thanks, guys! Neither of these examples has the needs of the third party in mind. For all intents and purposes, the younger sibling or the third piece of the social unit might as well be bound and gagged in the trunk. (p. 130)

A further pitfall, perhaps the most innocent-looking, is negligence in avoiding occasions of sin. This is an important concept: An occasion of sin is defined as anything which encourages evil desires in us. But since our culture doesn't worry about sin, why should it worry about avoiding occasions of sin? Harris gives examples to illustrate:

For one girl I know, guarding her heart against lust meant throwing away all her secular romance novels....Another friend attending college stopped spending his afternoons at the beach because the bikini-clad girls there were too great a temptation for his eyes. Another male friend decided to abstain from all movies for six months....When we evaluate our lives honestly enough to recognize our own lust and see the sorrow it causes God, we'll want to destroy lust...before it destroys us. (p. 145)

Harris has shown earlier in the book that our culture promotes countless occasions of sin:

Sensuality and exaggerated sexuality shout at us on every corner, if not from brothels then from newsstands and bill­boards. "Love is sex," a Calvin Klein ad whispers. "Sex is pleasure," a movie tells us. And on the radio, "Pleasure is all that matters" is sung sweetly in our ears....[Harris's advice:] Put down that magazine. Turn off the VCR. Pull the plug on the stereo and listen [to God's teaching on the true nature of love].... (p .60)

A further pitfall, frequent in our culture but not easily noticed, is self-pity, feeling sorry for yourself. Harris develops the point:

Self-pity is a sinful response to feelings of loneliness. We don't sin when we feel lonely or admit a desire for companionship, but we do sin when we use these feelings as an excuse to turn from God and exalt our own needs. Do you often find yourself focusing on your own sorry state and not relying on God to do His best for you?...[Y]ou can defuse self-pity by doing several things. First, stop basing your happiness on how you compare with other people....Ask yourself this question: "Am I really lacking something in my life, or am I just coveting what someone else has?" Next, when you feel those old feelings of self-pity rising, redirect them into compassion for others. Look around for someone who might share your feelings of loneliness, and find a way to comfort that person. (pp. 146-147)

Earlier in the book, Harris showed how our culture uses scare tactics, exploiting our susceptibility for self-pity:

...[If you can't date, then] what's the alternative?...Loneliness? Lifelong singleness? Friday nights at home watching videos with your cat? No! No! No! Choosing to quit the dating game doesn't mean rejecting friendship with the opposite sex, companionship, romance, or marriage. We can still pursue these things; we just choose to pursue them on God's terms and in His time. (p. 51)

A final pitfall is giving in to human respect, dating because one is too weak to say no, or because one is afraid to offend someone. If we are confronted by our peers on dating, Harris tells us to give humble, but not snappy answers:

[W]e have to learn to stand by our convictions without becoming bitter toward those who disagree with us or make fun of us....We should communicate our convictions about dating with humility and from a desire to please God, not to put others down....When we approach something differently from others, we can so easily fall into a defensive, critical mindset....God hates pride and self-righteousness, and we should avoid those attitudes whenever we discuss our standards. (pp. 151-152, emphasis in the original)

We often waste time in endless arguments. There is no point in arguing with a closed mind, such as that of Aunt Tessi, who nags the parents of her 16-year-old niece: "She needs a boyfriend!...She's such a beautiful girl; she shouldn't be deprived" (p. 153). For handling such situations, Harris gives the following advice:

Don't concern yourself with being right in others' eyes. And don't secretly hope that their lives will fall apart so that your opinion will be vindicated. Instead, concentrate on obeying God in your own life, and when possible, helping others to obey Him as well....[If others are leading a sinful life, I pray that God will show them the same mercy He has shown me. But I don't continue to hound them....Often the most convincing argument is simply the example of your own life. (pp. 154-155)

Finally, one might give excuses for avoiding a date or a dangerous Sunday afternoon beach party, but one will soon run out of excuses. So how should we communicate our views about dating? Harris advises as follows:

Our primary purpose for communicating with others should be their encouragement and growth. This principle means that sometimes we should explain our convictions and reasons for not dating in detail and other times we shouldn't. Sometimes our explanations are helpful, protecting others' feelings and possibly even challenging them. But other times our rationale only confuses people, ruining a chance for natural growth of friendship and sending out a holier-than-thou signal. (p. 157, emphasis in the original)

This last principle is a delicate balance between "being ready always to satisfy every one that asketh you a reason of that hope which is in you" (I Pet. 3:15) [if he is sincerely seeking], and refraining from "casting our pearls before the swine" (Mt. 7:6) [not arguing with someone who is badly disposed, who is only trying to provoke us]. We can now proceed to the final section.

What should you do instead?

One can begin with the purest of principles, only to have them shot to pieces when our hormones become active and when we fall under peer pressure. Harris speaks of a girl with a Christian upbringing who gets into trouble when she goes to college:

Wisely, Jessica had developed high standards. In fact, her rules were sound. But her method of developing her guidelines lacked something....Yes, her rules made sense, but they were just rules—they hadn't come to life in her heart....When she arrived at college...Jessica found to her dismay that all the outward rules she had counted on did nothing to control the feelings that suddenly began to well up inside her. (p. 135)

We have given countless examples of relationships going wrong, but now we would like to hear a positive program of what to do instead. Harris recalls some friends from his youth group asking the same question:

I once heard a youth minister speak on the subject of love and sex. He told a heart-rending story about Eric and Jenny [a love story that failed]...We all sat waiting for some kind of solution....We wanted the pastor to tell us what we were supposed to do instead. But he gave no alternative that afternoon. Evidently the pastor thought the couple's only mistake was giving in to temptation. He seemed to think that Eric and Jenny should have had more respect for each other and more self-control. Although this pastor encouraged a different outcome—sex for marriage—he didn't offer a different practice. (pp. 30-31)

Thus Harris concludes his book with practical advice: Accept real-life responsibilities which toughen you up for the struggles which marriage presents.

First principle: Interact with your own family. Charity begins at home.

Are you so caught up in dreaming of marriage that you're neglecting your present responsibilities as a son, daughter, brother, sister, or friend....We cannot ignore our current responsibilities and expect to magically gain the strength of character and virtue that will make us good husbands and wives....I believe God has given me a mother and sister to practice understanding and honoring women....The reverse is true for girls and their dads and brothers....Marriage won't transform us into new people; it will only act as a mirror, showing what we already are. (p. 170)

A second important principle is: Practice financial responsibility. Harris tells about assignments his parent devised to teach him to manage money responsibly:

One of our assignments was to record every penny we spent for a week. What a revealing exercise! I was completely unaware of how much money I wasted eating out....Another guy I know found he was investing an inordinate amount of his paycheck from his job at the Gap right back into the company! He cut back his clothing budget and began saving and giving more. (p. 173)

A further principle is: Prepare for marriage by helping in one's neighbor's family, wherever possible. Such activity is very instructive, especially if one observes good parents in action, i.e., how they discipline their children. Harris comments:

I'm inspired by Jeanne, a friend of my family's, who takes this preparation seriously. As the youngest in her family, she never had the opportunity to be around small children. To make up for lost time, Jeanne volunteers as a mother's helper free-of-charge for a family with seven kids. (p. 174)

Another principle is: Practice real-life skills. Harris makes a practical suggestion:

Just ask your parents to let you take over the maintenance of your house—including shopping, planning menus, and cooking meals for a couple of months....While these skills aren't glamorous, they are an important part of managing a household. (p. 175)

The above-mentioned rules apply to preparing yourself for marriage, but we must also include rules for choosing the right partner. Harris continues his list of suggestions with ways to check out one's intended partner, whether he or she measures up to certain standards of honesty and integrity. There are a few time-honored methods to be observed.

First criterion: Examine how the partner relates to authorities.

How does a potential mate respond to people in authority? Does this person respect the authority of a boss or pastor even if he or she disagrees with that authority figure? (pp. 192-193)

Second criterion: Examine how the partner relates to parents.

You've probably heard this sage advice before: "The way a guy treats his mom is the way he'll treat his wife." It's true. The same goes for the way a girl relates to her dad. I'm not saying that a person who has had a bad relationship with his or her dad or mom can't have a good marriage. By God's grace we can overcome old patterns. But we do need to ask, "If he can't be loving and gentle with his mom, why should I believe he'll be loving and gentle with me as his wife?" or "If she can't respect her dad, will she be able to respect me as her husband?" Don't forget to evaluate your own life. How do you relate to your parents? (p. 193)

Third criterion: Examine how the partner relates to the opposite sex.

There's a huge difference between genuine friendliness and flirtatiousness. Learn to distinguish the two. No one wants to marry a flirt. Guys, if a girl flits like a butterfly from one guy to the next, always in need of male attention, do you really think marriage will suddenly change her? Girls, do you want to marry a man with a wandering eye? And what about yourself? (p. 193)

Fourth criterion: Examine how the partner uses time and handles money.

Does this person fill free time with mindless hours in front of the TV? Does this person cultivate his or her mind to build relationships, or does he or she run to the next distraction?...Is the person you're observing (or are you) caught up in clothing, cars, and other material things? Does this person think through purchases, or does he or she spend impulsively, prone to splurging? (p. 195)

Conclusion

Marriage is a refining process. At the end of this brief review, let us recall that God is like a refining fire (Mal. 3:2). How easily we forget that

God wants to use the fire of marriage to not only comfort us, but refine and cleanse us from our selfishness and sin. We come to warm our hands by the fire of marriage; God wants to throw us into it! (p. 183)

We invite the reader to reflect on the poem A Woman's Heart (pp. 186-187) and start growing up. Life is too precious a gift to ruin by attachment to lusts and passions. May God protect you from yourself.

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Rev. Fr. Christopher Brandler is a priest of the Society of Saint Pius X. He was ordained in Ridgefield, CT in 1985. For nine years he taught philosophy and apologetics in the Society's seminaries in Ecône, Switzerland, and Zaitzkofen, Germany. Since 1996 he has been stationed in the United States, and currently preaches retreats at St. Aloysius Gonzaga Camp and Retreat Center, Los Gatos, California.